I could start back in my childhood, but everyone does. I will say this before delving into my current history. I had parents that loved me the best they could. I was not raised a christian but was taught to believe in God. There are some dark corners in the closet of my childhood, but I'm just not ready to go there yet. I'm sure you all understand.
Instead, I'm going to start with the year 2000. What a funny year that was. Bryse was 8 years old and Tori was 6. I had returned to college, full time student and volunteer in the school my kiddo's went too. My marriage was about 11 years in and my husband at the time and I were drifting apart. I can't really put my finger on why other than we just seemed to have lost touch with each other. We bought a house and our stress levels went up incredibly because we couldn't really afford to live there. I ended up quitting school and reopening my home daycare. At the time, I would have never admitted it, but I really resented having to work again. I wanted to go to school. I was doing really well in school and had to drop out. I tried going to school at night, but it just didn't work out because I was too tired. School ended up dying out. I was home with children that were incredibly precious, but my mind was not in the right place. We ended up losing the house and moving back into our mobile home that had been completely destroyed by the folks who were renting it.
Renovations and trying hard to put my life in order, I poured my life into my daycare. Invested big money into a playground and supplies. My husband then told me I could quit. Now that we didn't have the huge mortgage payment, our finances were back on track. I thought this was great but it was also the beginning of my decline into a world that was very dark.
I was now at home, by myself for 9 hours every day. My husband was gone a lot because of work. I was lonely. I felt unloved, unwanted, unappreciated. To fill that void I got a computer and internet. Even though I still use the internet today, I can say without hesitation that the internet has satan all through it. It preys on lonely women and men who have nothing better to do with their time. I started looking around and fell into a forum place. I started out in the flirting forums. It felt good to be anyone I wanted to be and have attention given to me by both men and women. It felt good to enter a chat room and have everyone say hello and be glad you were there. I wrote off that maybe I shouldn't be doing this because my husband was addicted to pornography. Who was he to say anything to me when all he ever did was watch movies.
I started spending hours in these flirt forums. I mean, I would get up, do my household chores then plant myself in front of the computer and not leave until the kids got home from school...this went on for years. Around 2002, the flirt forums were boring. I had done everything sexually online that a person could do. I had the headset, the web cam, you name it, I had it. In my boredom I started looking for more. Sitting here looking back, I know I was trying desperately to fill an emptiness that I now know only God could fill. I had relationships with faceless men and women. I had a friend that was transgendered but was always telling me how I was the perfect person to be with as I loved both genders. The darkness really started seeping in when I found what was called the dark forums.
The first forum I started frequenting was one that discussed the Path of Dark, which was the complete opposite of everything light. It was all about satisfying your own selfish desires, doing as you pleased. I met a man in there and he took me under his wing and started tutoring me on the way of the darkness. I began to read on the pagan belief system, goddess worship and what all that meant. I decided because of sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted family member when I was young was a good enough excuse for me to follow the goddess. As is my character, I threw myself into the belief and knew everything there was to know.
The man I met in the dark path forum introduced me to an even darker world online. He introduced to me people who lived a life as vampires and dark arts masters. They never came right out and said they were satan worshippers but that is indeed what they were. Anyone who believes that only through themselves can they find fulfillment and enlightenment are so off the target of what is true what else can they be?
Along with the vampire role playing came the world of BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission). This is a prime place for those who have been abused, have low self esteem and self worth. I went so deep down into this world that there wasn't much I wouldn't do. I'll write more on this specific topic at another time.
In the world of vampires and werewolves I became a leader. I was respected and listened too. I knew everything there was to know and I had men and women throwing themselves at me to be apart of my pack. I was wanted, popular, needed. People would wait for me to come online. I had power. I was deep in the pagan world, going to a local pagan church, participating in ritualistic behavior and loving every moment of it. In real life, I had men and women coming to me. I was desired. The loved the woman with the black eye lined eyes and what seemed to be magic in her hands. The totally love the woman who drove a sport car, nine inch nails blaring as I pulled into the parking lot of the Pagan House. I was wild, I was mean, and honestly I could be very scary. I was known for my temper. I was known as the one you just did not want to mess with.
I had moved from the quiet housewife to the wild, free woman who could make fantasies come true. I had many online lovers. I had no ethics, no rules. I had men and women who would pay to talk to me on the phone. I had the power to make them feel at the top of the world or the lowest form of life. I had power and freedom that I thought had always desired.
I was a whore. I was ugly inside and was slowly destroying who I was. I began self mutilation because all of this pain was coming out of me. The anger and ugliness slowly molded and created a new person. Her name is Ruby. Her online name was Wolf.
Next week...The dark night of the soul.
**I have been officially diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder or Disassociative Identity Disorder by two therapists that specialize in this area of psychiatry. Though through the power of Jesus Christ I have not struggled with the seperation of mind in the last 2 years, it is never a disorder that will just go away**
